If you’ve been reading my posts long enough, you

will know that I struggle with mental illness, I take a

ton of medication – mood stabilisers, anti depressants

anti psychotics and sedatives along with thyroid and

parkinsons meds as secondary illnesses

 

When I’m feeling well, I don’t want to talk about my

illness because the last episode is in the past and

when people ask ‘how are you feeling?’ I just say

fine and block the recent nightmare from my head

 

When I’m not feeling well, I don’t want to talk about

it for many reasons and I’m going to take you through

that today

 

I’ve been well since October? Then I had a bad

couple of days yesterday and the day before

 

I felt it gradually sneak in and suddenly I was

thinking suicidal thoughts, I had anxiety, I didn’t

want to be in the house, I didn’t want to leave the

house

 

I didn’t want to sit down, I didn’t want to be moving,

every thought I had left me feeling like I couldn’t

make a decision because no matter what I would be

doing, my head would still be the same

 

It’s really difficult to describe

Unless the other person has felt this way, it can be

really hard to put into words, what is going on in

your head

 

Your brain has shut down

You are no longer rational, making sense, your

thoughts are reduced and you have feelings that

you don’t want instead, negative feelings

 

You are scared and paranoid

How can you talk to someone when you already

feel scared, what if they don’t believe you or

dismiss you saying ‘we all feel like that sometimes’

when they haven’t

 

Or you get the courage to tell someone and the

paranoia you have then fixates on ‘I shouldn’t

have told that person, they’ll think…’

 

How do you tell someone you want to die?

A lot of the time this is the feeling I have, it

doesn’t mean I’m going to do it or have plans to

do it, it’s just a feeling of not wanting to be in the

state that I’m in right now

 

it also send the other person into a panic and

feels like you just dumped on them, I can’t begin

to imagine how many people I’ve worried

 

People have misconceptions

Schizophrenics kill people or they think they are

two different people, when in fact that’s multiple

personality disorder, they are nothing like each

other

 

Psychopaths and sociopaths also kill people

and most don’t know the difference between

them

 

I guarantee you know at least two sociopaths in

your life and don’t know it, they probably don’t

know it either!

 

These labels and words are scary – not half as

scary as being told you have one of them…

 

People don’t know how to react

Most times I pull myself out of it and that will

generally be the case with an episode, I know

my way back but if it’s really bad, call the NHS,

I’m on record and they will get someone out to

see me

Other than that just listen, I get angry sometimes

with potential solutions or suggestions on what I

can do to feel better. It won’t help because my

brain is in control and it needs fixed or I need to

ride it out, just listen and make some decisions

for them, like what we’re having for dinner

 

Ask what’s going on

Ryan spots it straight away, as does my sister,

they know every sign that I’m not right, so

usually I don’t have to ‘bring it up in conversation’

 

‘Did I tell you I want to die?’ just makes people

uncomfortable, although I might have done that

a few times, but when your head isn’t working

and you’re not being rational – I’m also quite open

 

Anyway, I thought with feeling fresh in a hopefully

mini episode, I would share this with you

 

I hear all the time there is still stigma, people don’t

talk about it, I wanted you to know what it feels

like on the other side and why it’s so hard to talk

 

Sometimes the medication just blanks you!

 

Carolyne xx

 

p.s. mental health is as important to me as

exercise and nutrition, it’s a 3 pronged approach

to living a good healthy life


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