I got a lot of emails yesterday

some pleased for the cooking advice

(I was worried it was too Gwyneth Paltrow’ ha!)

 

but so many asking for me to hit the button

on my mental wealth posts

 

I’m actually ok with the talking about

the different breeds of craziness and darkness

the hard part is how I get it started

 

You see for me to tell you I am authoritive

on this subject

that I actually do understand

and know how you feel

I kinda have to tell you my story

 

It’s not like I keep it a secret

everyone who has met me usually gets told

the worst parts within minutes of meeting me

 

it’s a defensive mechanism

if you have a problem with it?

bugger off now before I get to know you

so I don’t get hurt later

 

All day I’ve been thinking should I do it?

I mean, once I send

it’s out there for good

which doesn’t help with the paranoia

 

However, I have been stable for 5 years

(as much as you can call me stable:-))

and I can choose the bits to reveal

and the bits to keep to myself

 

and all the responses today have said

that I might be able to help someone…

 

My illness at times has been severe

it hasn’t gone away

I’m on enough medication to keep it at bay

(and enough to floor an elephant)

it won’t ever go away

 

it’s genetic (a bit like a form of brain damage)

but what can I tell you that will help?

will I tell you about wanting to die

for every day years on end

 

googling websites at work

telling you the best way to do it

and then giving it a try later that evening

 

will I tell you about the fear

scared to leave the house because people can watch you

scared to stay in the house because something

is hiding behind the couch

 

scared to put the t.v. on – scared of the silence

scared to be awake and scared to be asleep

 

will I tell you about the schizophrenia

hearing electricity speak to me

thinking my cat was possessed by an alien

accusing my male work colleagues

of looking at naked pictures of me online

 

will I tell you about the mania

when I weeded the garden at 1am with a head torch

when I took on enough jobs to fill the 24 hour clock

forgetting that I should have sleep time

and spending money like I was a millionaire

 

will I tell you about the self harm

that isn’t cutting your arms

but punishing yourself by not eating

having drink and drug addictions

 

never allowing you to like yourself

instead loathing, hatred and disgust

 

will I tell you about the destructive relationships

being attracted to low life scum bags

that will bleed you dry and abuse you

because you don’t believe you deserve any better

 

will I tell you about the utter desperation

of wanting to be normal

to have all of these things go away

and everyone saying it takes time

 

will I tell you about the endless torture

of not knowing what to do next

and no way to escape your head

except die

 

I so want to tell you all these things

and make you laugh

(we can laugh now as I feel normal)

 

I don’t want this to me about me

but do you know what finally made me send this?

 

I realised…

what if YOU right now

feel this way?

 

what if you are scared to talk to someone

because the way you feel is ‘taboo’

you are frightened you will be detained

in a psychiatric hospital

 

you don’t want to go on medication

in case you become a different person

(you don’t)

 

I need you to know that there are some great drugs

(prescription ones :-))

that can help

 

that a stay (or 20) in hospital can be a respite

(they can also give you stronger meds in there)

 

it’s possible to some day have a life

where you can be more like a normal person

without the madness in your head

 

and if you DO feel this way

get in touch with me

one nutter to another 🙂

 

I’ll be following this up with practical info and advice on everything Mental Wealth related

and probably send one a week so they are not too heavy going

 

Carolyne


Carolyne
Carolyne

Carolyne is the owner of Fit Strong Females with a Studio in Glasgow City Centre and an Online Membership Site, with 18 years experience. She is also a Fitness, Success and Food Blogger, Author and Writer. You can contact her at carolyne@fitstrongfemales.com or find more information at fitstrongfemales.com 

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